?

Log in

I have this interesting thing in my everyday life where I'm constantly defending myself against people who are trying to defend me.

It's weird.

Basically... I'm really, really hard on myself. Like, to the point of madness, or so I'm told. Problem is, all the negative things make perfect sense to me, so when I'm self-deprecating in casual conversation, what sounds really harsh to anyone listening is to me about as provocative as stating my shoe size or eye color. It just kind of is. It doesn't upset me if I say I'm fat, or I'm amounting to nothing, or I'm crazy, or anything else. It's just kind of there, self-evident.

And it puts me in this weird position of having to kind of weather criticism of myself... on behalf of myself. Like, my friends and family are always yelling at me for being so negative and why would I say those things, what's wrong with me, we love you. Occasionally I get the odd person who thinks I'm fishing for compliments by being so negative (this is rare and generally only happens when I'm just getting to know someone), but for the most part, it's just a case of my loved ones trying to protect me without really acknowledging that yes, all those negative things are things I really do believe, and maybe trying to figure out why that is.

It feels almost kind of invalidating, which just makes me feel so damn whiny and ungrateful that I have all of these people who love me and only see the good in me and I'm just stamping my feet and yelling, "But I don't SEE that, and I wish you could understand that it's not just low self-esteem, it's not just me being hard on myself, it's something that's been hardwired at this point, almost like I've heard it so many times and bought into it so many times that this is my reality. It doesn't even hurt me anymore."

I'm reminded of when M. and I stopped talking last February, when I told my friends that it was so weird that I wasn't crying over him, I was crying because he said so many horrible things that hurt me, and they looked at me like, "...yeah, that's normal. That's why you're supposed to be upset." But for me, all I could think was how strange it was that I was actually upset over someone insulting me and tearing me down, instead of just kind of shrugging and taking it as irrefutable fact. Like, Bri's crazy? Bri's a burden? Bri's over-emotional, irritating, boring, useless? That's cool, what do you want for dinner? I was completely stunned that for some reason, it actually hurt.

This is why I tend to keep my circle of friends, at least my true friends, pretty damn small and close to the vest — a lot of this stuff's pretty heavy and kind of a lot to process, and I hate putting that on anyone. The ones who are in the 'inner circle,' so to speak, are the ones who are basically kind of like, "Well fuck you and your negativity, chick, we love you and we're going to be here for you no matter what you say, so deal with it". Fortunately I'm from the Northeast, where we're all kind of pushy and rude, so it's a little easier to find people who are willing to lovingly fight me. Because God knows I need that.

I'm a bit complicated sometimes.
I'm a repetitive type of person. I'll listen to the same song over and over again. I'll watch the same movie until I can recite the dialogue verbatim. And I do so without ever getting tired of them.

Books are different. I frequently re-read my favorite books, but I have to let them sit for a bit, at least a few months. I never finish a book and immediately head back to the beginning.

Of course, I now have to amend that to "almost never," because I stayed up until five in the morning finishing Heart's Blood, the latest offering from the utterly brilliant Juliet Marillier, and I'm already back on Chapter Three. For the first time, I'm just not ready to let this world go. I love all of Marillier's works dearly, but this one is special. It's not Sevenwaters; Marillier's flagship series has a kind of dreamy, fantastical air that I love, but Heart's Blood is somehow darker, grittier. At its heart (no pun intended), it's a very loose retelling of Beauty and the Beast (score one—Marillier and my favorite fairytale ever? Oh, man, let's do this), with all the darkness and despair and hope and beauty and love that goes with it—plus some Marillierian fantasy and a uniquely-rendered ghost story.

One of the main things that keeps me coming back to Marillier's work is her characters, and nowhere is her brilliant characterization more evident than here in Heart's Blood. I loved her Belle, the wandering scribe Caitrin, who's running from an abusive past and learning that she's stronger than she ever thought. I loved her Beast, the disfigured and prickly chieftian, Anluan, and his cursed legacy, his irritable stoicisim and his wounded heart. I loved the servants, each with his own expertly-developed backstory and reasons for staying at the cursed fortress. By the time I finished the book, I had grown to love the cast of characters so much that I couldn't bear to see them go—and so I immediately went back to the beginning.

That's a rare thing.

This is a slightly different spin on Marillier's standard: the heroine isn't a member of a much-beloved family with a storied history—at the book's start, she's in desperate flight from a history of cruelty and abuse. The love interest is arguably the darkest Marillier has ever included, crippled, angry, and in a continuing crisis of confidence—the closest parallel would be Bran of Son of the Shadows, but Anluan is even more isolated and shut in on himself. As the novel develops, they both learn to trust and hope, and the whole process is, for my money, one of the most beautiful stories Marillier has ever told.

Go. Read it. Bring tissues for certain parts. Take notes. Share with others.

Tags:

Ben's final communication.

We actually talked on the phone for about twenty minutes afterwards; I had to call him about twenty-five times before he'd actually pick up the phone, but I could not leave it like this.

Long story short...

It is final. Ben and I are no longer together. He does not love me, and that's just how it is. I plan to contact him within the next four to six months to see if we can still be friends, because, honestly, we were friends before we were anything else, and throughout the past five years, that friendship has meant the world to me.

But he doesn't love me. And he had so many problems with the relationship, problems that he never told me.

The letter. There is nothing to be said.Collapse )

The worst part? He never discussed any of this with me. Not one bit. Never gave me a chance to help him work through it. Never gave us a chance.

But I know now that I deserve so much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve open communication and a warm heart.

I loved you so much, Benjamin Blanchard.

Goodbye.
Follow-up on the Blacknebula/Soulcaliburprincess deal: in a move surprising no one, she has deleted her journal entry. No apology, no acknowledgment of my apology, nothing.

And thus her actions would be lost to the mists of time, if I were an idiot who never learns from her mistakes.

Which I'm not, so... screenshots!: journal entry, my comment.

You know, the only reason I'm even posting these is as a measure of defense. This girl is out there painting me as some kind of vicious ogre with a serious axe to grind, when, really, she's the one who keeps starting shit.

Seriously, I don't hold grudges. I don't pick fights. I am very much content to leave well enough alone, and I'd love it if she would extend that same courtesy to me instead of complaining about what a horrible bitch I am in an attempt to garner some ill-gotten sympathy.

I have far too much on my mind at the moment to deal with Internet drama; I'm really hoping this is all done and over with for the time being.
I don't get it. I just do not get it. There is something fundamentally horrible and bitchy about me that has led, over the years, in various fandoms, to other participants despising me as a person. This is not me being all, "whatev losers"—I'm horrified by the potential that there is a serious flaw to my personality, at least its online incarnation, and I'm too obtuse/arrogant/something else horrible to see it. It's a terrible feeling.

I got a message from the individual whose profile I quoted in my last entry. She took it as an attack upon the author she praised and got a little personal (I was quite taken aback, actually—I've certainly never done anything to this person himself/herself).

I am really, really getting too old for this.Collapse )


ETA: Mother...fucking...hell.

BlackNebula69 has indeed taken this all as a personal attack and posted a journal at DA about it.

I am in such damage control mode here because of a misunderstanding. Isn't that always the way?

Fielding angry PMs at FFN, angry messages at DA, having my reputation destroyed here...I cannot do this right now, dammit!

...unbelievable.

An excerpt from our good friend SCP's latest fic:

“Wow—it’s so pretty!”

The graceful young woman twirls gaily through the lush meadow, all verdant greens and soft pastels against a brilliant baby blue sky. A light breeze threads through the branches of the nearby blossoming cherry trees; She browses the beautiful nature surrounding her.



...

From "Peaceful Days":

“Ah—it’s so pretty!”


She twirls gaily through the lush meadow, all verdant greens and soft pastels against a brilliant blue sky. A light breeze threads through the branches of the nearby blossoming cherry trees, sending a shower of pale petals across their path, catching in black-brown hair, on reaching fingertips."



...she took my line and made it stupid.

What, it's okay to steal as long as you only take a little and change one or two words around?


I just...I...gyargh.



That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. I am going to stress myself into an early grave at this rate. I'm throwing myself at a brick wall over and over again—and not just any brick wall, a monumentally, profoundly, almost professionally stupid one. I almost have to admire her for it; when someone is that deeply committed to voluntary and willful stupidity...you almost have to tip your hat to them. Anyone can be stupid. But being that stupid, over and over again, never wavering, doing the same stupid-ass things ad infinitum with absolutely no comprehension of your misdeeds? Man, that takes skill. That takes finesse.


Cheers, Soulcaliburprincess. You truly are a master of your craft.

Oh, fine.

SCP is ashamed of her behavior.

She also claims to be vacating the Internet for the time being.

I've probably come off as such a tremendous bitch throughout this whole thing, and I'm probably going to seem like even more of a bitch when I say I don't feel particularly moved to sympathy even now... But I have given this girl so, so many chances, and she's pretty much laughed in my face every single time. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm generally a very laid-back person; I'm not the type of person to go after someone for the sake of sheer bitchery or some kind of petty vendetta. In order to get this much on my bad side, you have to have done something pretty serious, and done it repeatedly.

Blargh.


In other news, in preparation for Thanksgiving I spent the entire evening at my grandmother's house, helping with the stuffing, the vegetables, etc. etc., and baking an apple pie from scratch (oh hell yes).

My grandmother's a pretty awesome lady. Just turned 74, and not only does she still work full-time as an accountant, she comes up with some pretty hilarious and/or disturbing lines on a regular basis.

Like tonight's exchange, about life on the farm where she grew up:

GRANDMOTHER: We had free-range chickens. Fenced in. So we'd go into the yard in the mornings with our buckets of feed, and we'd shake it out and write our names with the feed, and the chickens would all come around.

BRI: ...so you'd basically be writing your name in chickens?

GRANDMOTHER: (nodding) In chickens.

BRI: *thinks that is the most awesome thing she's ever heard* Better chickens than roosters at least, right?

GRANDMOTHER: Oh, roosters. We had the meanest rooster in the world on our farm. *pause* We beat it to death with a baseball bat one day.

BRI: ...

GRANDMOTHER: We told Daddy it'd been hit by a tractor. *thoughtful pause* Quite a few times.


Sometimes, I honestly love my family.

I give up.

Soulcaliburprincess (now known as BlackNebula69 at DevArt and B-Pheonix at FF.net) is at it again.

I thought it was a little suspicious when she posted a fic "inspired" by my "Wardrobe Malfunction," but, hey, it wasn't an exact copy, and flattery/imitation and all that, so I let it slide (she did, however, copy my author's notes nearly word-for-word, and has stolen kamitosis' header for PoM...).

But then I noticed that she's started "writing" again over at DevArt.

You know where this is going.

(Evidence of plagiarism included in the form of screenshots for posterity, because you know she's going to backtrack like a woman possessed as soon as she logs on and sees the comments I've left her.)

Example #1 - "The Beloved Ones, Raged Souls" = "Raging Souls" by Fiery-razing-phoenix

Example #2 - "Protecting Her" = "Protecting Her" (imagine that) by Scarletstar20

Example #3 - "Demon's Love: Vinc x Tifa" = "Dark Passion" by Akuro's Demon

Example #4 - "If You're Not the One" = "If You're Not the One" by Hikari Kuu

Example #5 - "Listen To Your Heart: Ch. 1" = "Falling Into Love" by T-drift (to be fair, she did change a few names here and there, which makes everything totally fine)


...I am several weeks behind in my reading for Postcolonial Studies. I have three essays to write and an exam tomorrow in Art History. I am also roughly four hundred years behind in my beta-reading job. My family is in the middle of some serious drama, and my psychological stability at the moment is rapidly failing.

I have neither the time nor the patience for this shit. I may feel like a total bitch for coming down so hard on her for all of this, since she seems to like my work, but that's neither here nor there. This girl will...never...learn.

I need a fucking drink.
We kicked off my theology class today by talking about what constitutes plagiarism. Life imitating art, I suppose.

At least soulcaliburprincess took down all of the fics she stole; I'll still check in on her from time to time, but I figure she's learned her lesson.

Which is why I kind of feel bad that so many people are coming out of the woodwork and dogpiling on her now, even after she's taken them down. Of course, I'm the type of person naturally given to regret, so some of that's probably factoring in there.

I'm torn, really—if, as her level of literacy suggests, she's far younger than her stated age of nineteen, then it's likely she's still learning about concepts such as plagiarism and should be educated rather than scorned. On the other hand, if she is nineteen—and, as she speaks of voting in the upcoming presidential election, this is equally probable—I can't help but think of certain underclassmen at my university and their willful, voluntary stupidity. It's not that they can't grasp the concept of plagiarism; they just don't care.

*sigh* I don't know. I'm probably just being a soft touch again. It takes a hell of a lot to keep me angry for more than a day or two.


In other news, I failed my first art history quiz and am thisclose to a breakdown. Stress level through the roof, severely limited free time, and my BPD is kicking my ass. Once I get through this week, I should be in the clear, but until then...oy.

Mini-plagiarist update.

So she's taken down the fics I called her on...and apparently only those fics, and only in the Soul Calibur fandom. Her stolen FFVII works are still all over the place, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about running through all the authors of a fandom I'm not familiar with.


Anyway. Both kamitosis and I left comments on the diary entry she wrote complaining that no one was reading her fic "My Dearest" (a.k.a. "Dancing With Despair" by Lacuna Lily; for Chrissake, she didn't even change the OC's name!), effectively pointing out that she'll deserve to get readers when she bothers to write her own fics. Our comments have since been "hidden" by the owner, i.e. deleted because we called her out, and this is not the first time; in fact, on her DevArt page there's a "hidden" comment that I know was originally Jenizaki over at DA complaining about soulcaliburprincess having stolen "Torture". I guess that's one way to cover up all evidence of your plagiarism.

(Anyone else catch that she's apparently reading the Bible in the above journal entry? Forgetting that whole "thou shalt not bear false witness" deal, soulcaliburprincess?)


She's also sent me a lovely note:


"Guess what, Since for what I've done, I'll leave DA."

Normally I'd be rolling my eyes at the "wah, I'm packing up my toys and going home mentality," but, frankly, I'd be glad if this girl really did just vacate the Internet.

Unfortunately, we all know that people this persistently stupid never leave permanently; they just change venues.

"A person like me dosn't deserve to be here."

Right.

"I didn't mean to steal the fanfictions. I gave the credit to the owner. But I guess that caused a problem... :shrug:"

...you gave no credit. Absolutely none whatsoever. You called these "your" stories. You claimed it was your writing. And now you have the audacity to act like it was no big fucking deal and everyone's getting riled up over nothing?

You are not nineteen. I...just...no. You cannot spend nineteen years on this earth and be this fundamentally stupid. I can't believe it. I cannot stand to have my faith in humanity that brutally shaken. Let me stay in my nice little fully-stocked-with-booze corner and believe that there is still hope for our youth.

I'm getting too old to deal with this shit.